book ideas

What do I know of desire
I know how the sun shines

[God damnit shut up
You cunt
Unlovable!]

As the green serpents stretch from the soil
All vying for the glow
The snow slows
Yet doesn’t stop

[you will be sacrificed
Quiet you!
You are blind to great design
Narcissistic pity engrained on the mind of affairs of the heart
Die]

Snow trickles slow
So slow it does
Yet it does not stop
Snow upon snow compounding the lot of them
Serpents harp in defiance
Discord
No reliance
Snow oh snow
Suffocating so slow

[Did they spare you a glance?
No
You ugly creature of the night
Fight for the right to be treated with the humans
You will die in the arena
Not of Roman gladiator glory
But a knife skating across your throat]

The glow grows dim
Infinitely small
White glory finally buried all but a little of hope
And there is no true dungeon without hope
And there is no torture like that of hope
And there is no hell if it lacks hope

[self destruction: my job here is done]

She leaned heavily over this rail and locked gaze with the ocean. This hotel was unusually high, and so too were the waves 24 stories below her. One thing was clear, that she cared more for this sea than she cared for me. What was not clear was why she  climbed over that guard rail. Did she honestly think she could hear those waves better, or did she want to fly and be reunited with her beloved ocean. That part wasn’t clear, whether she fell  by accident or design. What happened immediately after was perfectly clear. She fell more than a hundred feet or so (I was not sure) and splattered herself on the jetty. Paramedics found her skewered exactly 1.11 meters away from the ocean. I hated that she wasn’t able to hit the ocean. That is why I hate the ocean. 

it’s cool that people are interested in what I write on here (I really appreciate it, the fact that others care or even enjoy what I write is amazing), but I feel like it’s being misinterpreted or that it would be misinterpreted. I don’t really write from my own perspective, each post does not constitute a holistic reflection of who I am. sometimes I’ll write as someone that I aspire to be, honestly, most time I will write from the most revolting parts of me. I’d like to include that disclaimer. 

I call what I write on here “doodles” the more visually inclined might draw images on the edges of their paper, I would write something it just

it takes a lot for me to publish things

On the story you wrote.

First I like how the narrator is easily distracted making home more human. There are elements that appear to be highly introspective am insightful and others that are very immature which I thought was a great mixture. Philosopher killer is unbelievable and angsty killer is boring. Also you never explicitly said what happened which i thought was a mature style choice. And my favorite part was the end. How he only saw fear and confusion that day as opposed to what he saw on a daily basis and that made him feel confused and scared. That has so many implications. First that you only see people in a moment and he took their life without realizing they were human as well. Also how killers are made out to be completely cold, and although this one was a little, at the very end the walls fall. It’s humanistic and cathartic. Very well done sir.

Wealth wasn’t something you built yourself, you could not have chosen the contours of your body, your talent can be reduced to meticulous practice. 

You are a link of chain in the fence, you are a supplementary sand on a barricade, you are a barb in wire that stretches beyond your understanding. 

You come from an assembly line, there are millions just like you. You are Eli Whitney’s replaceable part, you have a cash value, you are commodity. 

You are a blade of grass in a lawn groomed by everything that isn’t you. 

Individuality is not dead, it is non existent and it never has existed. It never had life. 

I stared at my face in the mirror. Well I should say that I stared at the reflection of my face in the mirror. I would say there is difference. I hated that difference because today in particular, I really wanted to see myself how others will see me. Oh well, I must sound like an complete narcissist, I’m not. I’m actually really well rounded, I wish I could say the same for my parents!

I walked in to my parents room and stood at the foot of their bed. They were asleep, perhaps it was rude of me to wake them up. My father and I locked our gaze, it was interesting. He didn’t say much, but he had emotion in his eyes that I couldn’t easily recognize, maybe I had never seen it, maybe I just don’t remember. I implored him to stop looking like that, and he obliged me less than a second after asking. 

My mom was different. She never seemed surprised by me, I hated that. I suddenly remembered 10 years earlier had been one of the first times we went to the airport. Airplanes scare the absolute shit out of me. That was enough to paralyze me with fear, and still Mother knew all the concerns surrounding our trip. She knew Dad wasn’t making the money he used to be making, she knew we wouldn’t be able to afford a spacious house and that me might have to discontinue a few prescriptions. She knew so much worry and still she marched fearlessly on that wretched plane. Maybe she had courage for my sake. I tried to remember her face that day to no avail. In any event, I really liked the face she put on this morning when we said our goodbyes. 

I absolutely hate school! Today was the first day, in more than months, in more than years it felt, that I wouldn’t be subject to these malevolent bastards cruelties. Still, I looked down at my boots. I saw my long black pants go over them, why did these things have so many fucking pockets. Even today I only needed two of them just as any other day. Maybe I should have prepared, maybe I need something more. Christ, maybe they’ll make fun! See, I didn’t know if these boots actually help, I’ve just seen this has been done and only with boots. I thought that was right, but maybe today they’ll make fun just as they always do. 

Maybe it was too much to expect of them to be civil. I still know that for however long they will be quiet, maybe that’s enough. 

Never before had I driven my Dad’s car to school. You know, I bet, that if he wanted to he could have driven me everyday. Lazy cunt. Well I’ll drive today. Maybe that’s enough, thanks Dad.

Like I said I don’t drive often, that must have been a shitty parking job. Whatever, as the morning progresses I care less and less about this bullshit things, it’s all a distraction. Christ, so many fucking distractions! Who could have known that this entire time, grades were a distraction. Money was a distraction. Hard work was a distraction. It was all meant to yank us from our divine path in my estimation. Fuck all of that. 

Right so here I am walking up to school. I’ve chosen much less public route today. I always try to avoid anything with the word “public” in it. The thing about people, is that they ignore the desires and the needs of everyone around them. All they want is to use the people around them to move themselves forward. They don’t think in terms of “we” and “us” they think in turns of “me” and “I”. Fucking cunts, the lot of them. 

Maybe I should include myself in that… no. 

The route I had been taking before today wasn’t very public, this one was one step farther. I think this path actually lead under the school, these were service tunnels. I wasn’t allowed to be here and I didn’t care. This was definitely underneath the school, there were these great big furnaces. It must have been a full 20 degrees hotter down here than up there, and instead of that nasty white fluorescent light beaming at your face there was the red warm glow of these great big furnaces. I felt at home here, I wish I had more time here. I didn’t have much time here. 

The basement ended and I was in the office. Of all the people I hated these the most. I hoped I would never have become them. Bored, dreary people they have no stories to tell. I will have more stories to tell then they could possibly of had. Fuck them. It wasn’t difficult for me to move quickly through the office. Guilt must have trickled down my black clothes and right off my black boots. I didn’t feel anything in here. This would be the easiest part. 

The PA speakers finally. The input for the speakers in this quaint little room and I shared it with an older woman. I hated hearing her voice throughout the day, and today I didn’t have to. It would be my voice. 

“All classes report to the gymnasium immediately”  

I liked my voice on those speakers. Right I had to beat them there. I got there quicker than expected, all that agility training finally paying off I suppose. There is a box, where scores of our basketball games are kept, where announcers speak off about the game, and where the entire gym is below them. It was a surprisingly expensive feature in our gym. Normally these things are put in stadiums for the purpose of broadcast. Today after breaking the door, I had this luxury room to myself. 

Students flooded in with no direction at all. None of them knew where they were going or why they were here, what fools! Teachers directed them like lambs to slaughter and today, 4 months before my graduation, I said goodbye to every student at my high school. They screeched back, and I was glad to have heard it. Only 4 minutes had passed. Everyone that was capable of leaving had left, the rest of them remained with me. I looked at them with contentedness and waited. 

Waited for whatever was supposed to happen next. Police I guess. I don’t know really how long these things take. 

I thought to myself. The administration at this school was incompetent and arrogant. The students were selfish and unusually cruel. My parents  were rigid and never empathetic. I saw all of that everyday. I didn’t see that today, today everyone I saw just seemed lost, confused, and afraid. 

Right now after it was all said and done, I felt lost, confused, and very afraid. Goodbye.

z there’s something I wrote in our drafts, I want your opinion on it. 

still not likely to publish it.