I stared at my face in the mirror. Well I should say that I stared at the reflection of my face in the mirror. I would say there is difference. I hated that difference because today in particular, I really wanted to see myself how others will see me. Oh well, I must sound like an complete narcissist, I’m not. I’m actually really well rounded, I wish I could say the same for my parents!
I walked in to my parents room and stood at the foot of their bed. They were asleep, perhaps it was rude of me to wake them up. My father and I locked our gaze, it was interesting. He didn’t say much, but he had emotion in his eyes that I couldn’t easily recognize, maybe I had never seen it, maybe I just don’t remember. I implored him to stop looking like that, and he obliged me less than a second after asking.
My mom was different. She never seemed surprised by me, I hated that. I suddenly remembered 10 years earlier had been one of the first times we went to the airport. Airplanes scare the absolute shit out of me. That was enough to paralyze me with fear, and still Mother knew all the concerns surrounding our trip. She knew Dad wasn’t making the money he used to be making, she knew we wouldn’t be able to afford a spacious house and that me might have to discontinue a few prescriptions. She knew so much worry and still she marched fearlessly on that wretched plane. Maybe she had courage for my sake. I tried to remember her face that day to no avail. In any event, I really liked the face she put on this morning when we said our goodbyes.
I absolutely hate school! Today was the first day, in more than months, in more than years it felt, that I wouldn’t be subject to these malevolent bastards cruelties. Still, I looked down at my boots. I saw my long black pants go over them, why did these things have so many fucking pockets. Even today I only needed two of them just as any other day. Maybe I should have prepared, maybe I need something more. Christ, maybe they’ll make fun! See, I didn’t know if these boots actually help, I’ve just seen this has been done and only with boots. I thought that was right, but maybe today they’ll make fun just as they always do.
Maybe it was too much to expect of them to be civil. I still know that for however long they will be quiet, maybe that’s enough.
Never before had I driven my Dad’s car to school. You know, I bet, that if he wanted to he could have driven me everyday. Lazy cunt. Well I’ll drive today. Maybe that’s enough, thanks Dad.
Like I said I don’t drive often, that must have been a shitty parking job. Whatever, as the morning progresses I care less and less about this bullshit things, it’s all a distraction. Christ, so many fucking distractions! Who could have known that this entire time, grades were a distraction. Money was a distraction. Hard work was a distraction. It was all meant to yank us from our divine path in my estimation. Fuck all of that.
Right so here I am walking up to school. I’ve chosen much less public route today. I always try to avoid anything with the word “public” in it. The thing about people, is that they ignore the desires and the needs of everyone around them. All they want is to use the people around them to move themselves forward. They don’t think in terms of “we” and “us” they think in turns of “me” and “I”. Fucking cunts, the lot of them.
Maybe I should include myself in that… no.
The route I had been taking before today wasn’t very public, this one was one step farther. I think this path actually lead under the school, these were service tunnels. I wasn’t allowed to be here and I didn’t care. This was definitely underneath the school, there were these great big furnaces. It must have been a full 20 degrees hotter down here than up there, and instead of that nasty white fluorescent light beaming at your face there was the red warm glow of these great big furnaces. I felt at home here, I wish I had more time here. I didn’t have much time here.
The basement ended and I was in the office. Of all the people I hated these the most. I hoped I would never have become them. Bored, dreary people they have no stories to tell. I will have more stories to tell then they could possibly of had. Fuck them. It wasn’t difficult for me to move quickly through the office. Guilt must have trickled down my black clothes and right off my black boots. I didn’t feel anything in here. This would be the easiest part.
The PA speakers finally. The input for the speakers in this quaint little room and I shared it with an older woman. I hated hearing her voice throughout the day, and today I didn’t have to. It would be my voice.
“All classes report to the gymnasium immediately”
I liked my voice on those speakers. Right I had to beat them there. I got there quicker than expected, all that agility training finally paying off I suppose. There is a box, where scores of our basketball games are kept, where announcers speak off about the game, and where the entire gym is below them. It was a surprisingly expensive feature in our gym. Normally these things are put in stadiums for the purpose of broadcast. Today after breaking the door, I had this luxury room to myself.
Students flooded in with no direction at all. None of them knew where they were going or why they were here, what fools! Teachers directed them like lambs to slaughter and today, 4 months before my graduation, I said goodbye to every student at my high school. They screeched back, and I was glad to have heard it. Only 4 minutes had passed. Everyone that was capable of leaving had left, the rest of them remained with me. I looked at them with contentedness and waited.
Waited for whatever was supposed to happen next. Police I guess. I don’t know really how long these things take.
I thought to myself. The administration at this school was incompetent and arrogant. The students were selfish and unusually cruel. My parents were rigid and never empathetic. I saw all of that everyday. I didn’t see that today, today everyone I saw just seemed lost, confused, and afraid.
Right now after it was all said and done, I felt lost, confused, and very afraid. Goodbye.